Dear Ugly Old Lady with a Bad Perm* at the Baby Gap,
Thank you for your snide comment about my baby to the check-out lady. I'm sure you wanted me to hear you, since you were standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME! I totally heard your sarcastic remark "My! There's an awful lot of screaming in here today." Oh, and Gap check-out lady--I also heard you agree with her.
Yes, my baby was getting sick of sitting in the stroller and she started--JUST started--whining. Did you notice that I immediately picked her up so as not to bother you or anyone else in the store? Did you see how I juggled holding her while writing a check at the same time to save you from hearing any unnecessary whining? But you had to make your nasty comment anyway didn't you?
Maybe you didn't notice my other four, very well-behaved children who were standing there quietly even though they were bored from shopping. I don't remember you saying anything nice about them. Maybe you're related to the people that I used to run into before I had a girl--when it was me and four boys. "Oh no!" your relations would say right in front of them. "You poor thing! FOUR boys!?! How do you do it?" I'm sure that made them feel really good!
So, thanks again, bitter old lady--I would have preferred if you'd just made your ugly remark directly to me instead of the passive-aggressive route you chose. And, just so you know, I was this/close to saying something rude back to you, but I decided to take the high road.
Oh, and, the dyed-black hair and tight perm isn't working for you.
Dear Apathetic Teen Check-Out Boy at the Grocery Store,
Hi! I said, HI! Maybe you didn't hear me? But I think you did and you chose not to say hi back. Instead, you just robotically scanned the groceries with that dead-pan look on your face.
I know you wish you were hanging out with your friends and playing World of Warcraft or Halo III instead of scanning my bananas--but would it kill you to say hi? Or thank you? Or have a nice day? I think maybe you grunted when you handed me the receipt--but I'm going to need a little more in the pleasantry department the next time I stop in.
Dear Jamie-Lynn Spears (and Your Mother),
I noticed the picture of you and your new baby on the cover of OK Magazine as I was standing in line at the store being ignored by the Apathetic Teen Check-out Boy.
So your baby is, what, about 3 weeks old? And, let me make sure I saw the quote correctly--it was right there on the cover-- "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Wow! That's a great message to send to all the troubled teens of the world! Way to go Jamie-Lynn and Mom! Good job glamorizing teen pregnancy! I hope all the millions OK Magazine paid you was worth it.
Some other great quotes from you: "I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery" and "Being a mom is so much fun!" You're a great role model J-L!
Dear Person Who Spit Gum Right Outside the Door of Panera Bread,
Hey--I stepped in your gum! Maybe you didn't notice the garbage can a couple feet from the door? I guess it was just easier to let the gum fall from your mouth as you walked through the door? Thanks for ruining my super-cool Rocket Dog shoes--but that's ok, I know it would have been a real pain to step over to the garbage can. Or use a napkin inside Panera Bread. Whatever's easier for you!
It's just a shot in the dark--but were you by any chance going to Panera to meet Selfish Woman Who Was Done Eating But Still Taking Up A Table While She Worked On Her Laptop? I noticed her when I was waiting with my five kids and there were no available tables.
Hope you guys had a great lunch!
*I realize this term is redundant