Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Hate Mail To Inanimate Objects

Dear Packing Tape,

I hate you.

Why are you so relentlessly cruel? I'm just trying to tape a box together so I can send out my giveaway prizes. Why must you make it so hard??

You stick so tenaciously to the rest of the roll, gripping on with all your sticky strength as I chip, chip at you with my now cracked fingernails.

Sometimes you tease me and a little part of you breaks free, but only a thin strand comes loose. A thin sticky strand that wraps around my fingers, trapping them. I hear you laughing at me, packing tape! I hate that you find my frustration so amusing.

Your most heinous act is when you separate into one thin strand, and then another, and another, leaving a useless mess of tape fringe that I must tear off and throw into my ever-accumulating wasted tape pile.

Once I thought I called your bluff as I started peeling first from the right and then from the left side of your devil roll. I pulled both sides together thinking I tricked you and that both sides would meet in the middle, but you made sure those sides would never meet and that a thin strip held fast down the center of the roll, rendering either side useless.

Sometimes I start to peel and I see you widening on the way across, but you capriciously veer off again to the side and I am left with yet another tangled tape tendril.

On the rare occasion I have a workable piece of tape, I try to adhere you to the box, holding the cardboard sides down with my left elbow and trying my best to smooth you flat. Then I attempt to tear off one end with your metal teeth and, at the same time, try to ensure that you don't slip through my fingers and clamp down, once again, to your roll--but it never works. You always manage to stealthily avoid my grasp and start your cruel dance all over again.

I know you're in cahoots with those evil twisty ties that hold toys in place when they're still new inside their boxes. They like to torment me on Christmas and birthdays in particular. They know full well the toy only needs two or maybe three twisties to hold it down--but no--they come in armies of twenty or more, twisting this way and that, sometimes getting stuck inside the toy. They like it best when I have to resort to pliers and sometimes screwdrivers to get the toys out. And I have tried to foil their plots and cut them off with scissors even though I know it ultimately won't work and that I have to go back to the twisting and pulling. I have noticed that they are often taped down as an extra measure of frustration--further proving my suspicion that you are a diabolical team.

But you didn't win, packing tape! You may have broken my fingernails, scratched me with your teeth and tramped on my spirit--but my box is taped and in the mail.

Except that I forgot to buy enough boxes so I have to put more together tomorrow. Prepare for battle!

Your worst enemy,


P.S. You owe me a manicure


Shannon said...

Packing tape is the worst!!!! And I too, loathe the evil twisty ties in toy packages!!!! Why must there be so many on one toy, WHY?!!??!?!

Ronda's Rants said...

That is the best letter ever...I am saving it and just replaceing all "packing tape" references and replace them Bob. Then, I am ready for the next time he does similar things to me!
Yeah, still mad at Hubby! But, not as much anymore.
I am sorry the packing tape was so evil to you!

Lori said...

Ah feel you, dawg. Parents used to stay up all night on Christmas Eve assembling toys. But now I designate two hours to get those twisty-ties off BEFORE the gift-opening mayhem begins.

oº˚ Homeschool Mom˚ºo said...

So sorry you had such a hard time that tape. Loved the letter it was to funny! Much Love From Queen Bee.

EmBee said...

These are the trials that make us stronger people. If you can work the tape dispense without throwing it across the room, you qualify for sainthood.

Kori said...

So glad to know I am not the only packing-tape-hater in the world.

Anonymous said...

Wow! You must have gotten a hold of some old tape....or it got hot at some point or something. Yeah, it'll drive you insane.

My worst experience was not with twisty ties....but geez....they PUT anymore ties on one little toy.....but it was with zip ties on a cat toy. They had that thing soooo tight I had to use a knife to cut it.....the knife slipped and I stabbed my blood all over the stupid toy anyway. That wasn't a good Christmas as I remember. Stab wounds hurt for WEEKS by the way....UGGGH!!!!

Kori said...

Oh I hate packing tape. I feel your pain.

Jo-Jo said...

Oh the evil twisty ties are the worst! Especially when you add it to the toys that are screwed to the box as well! ERRRR!

leezee52 said...

I have a packing tape dispenser that has a handle so it's easier to use.

Here is one and you can check out Staples and they have many more...

Lee :)

Heather said...

Cursed packing tape be darned!!

Andrea said...

lol, too funny! tip: fold down the edge of the tape when you're done with it, that way the next time you go to use it, just grap the edge and your all set! ;0) and the twisy ties, i have no trick for them, but i HATE them. my fingers are always so sore by the time i get finished with them!

Elfie33 said...

I hope you win the war with the packing tape. I never I have to live vicariouly thur others..LOL

Rhonda said...

Congratulations on winning the battle! And good luck tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

Oh I hate that thing, I got it stuck to my hair and I had to cut it out. It sucked!

Insane Mama said...

ugg I hate packing tape too! Wahy does it always get all tanled up like that

Kelly said...

Packing tape = 1 Jennifer = 0
Sorry about your manicure!